Neither From Here Nor There

by Patrice Yao Late

Author’s content warning: : If you are Black, you might be affected.

I was born in Europe, where snow covers the streets and the gazes. Upon arriving on that pale land, I naively believed that people would lend me a bit of the color of their skin. But from my very first breath, my cries were not those of life — it was disappointment pouring from my throat.

My skin spoke to me in a language I didn’t yet understand.

The years went by. I learned its words, its manners, its silences. The mirror never missed a chance to remind me that I was Black. Deep down, though, I felt white. And that made sense to me. I didn’t yet know that this illusion was nothing more than camouflage.

Then Africa called me. A return to my roots, they said. But I felt it as a rupture with my country
of origin — the one in which I had been born.

In Africa: uncles, aunts, dozens of cousins. A swarm of family rising from red dust and trees.
They all looked at me like a brother — I, who was nothing but a stranger.

Over time, my skin was no longer enough to belong. There too, I didn’t know how to walk,
how to speak, or simply how to be.

Too white for here, too Black for there.

Since then, I’ve walked between two worlds, without a homeland. But sometimes, in my
dreams, I’m simply a child. Without color. Just a breath. Just a soul.

Author’s note: Since childhood, I’ve noticed that I’ve never truly been seen as a “real” German by German society. Even today, I still encounter people who ask me where I’m from, even when I tell them I was born in Germany. When I was a child, there were far fewer Black people in Germany, and the fear of foreigners—along with visible markers of difference such as skin color—were already very present.

When I arrived in Africa, I had a different culture and a different way of living, as I already carried a German cultural identity. However, in African societies, a Black person who behaves “like a White person” is often labeled a “sub-White” and mocked. The colonization of African countries largely explains this behavior. In addition, the cultural shock led me to reject Togolese culture. I never felt Togolese.There were times when I thought my life would have been much simpler if I were White.